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Table of Contents:
About the Author.....................................................................................i
Acknowledgements.............................................................................iii
Dedication................................................................................................v
1. A Nose and a Rose............................................................................1
2. A Thing of Fries.................................................................................8
3. Walnut Head......................................................................................14
4. The Inchworm...................................................................................21
5. The Little Weasel and the Pervert.............................................28
6. Git Their Goat...................................................................................33
7. The Nose and the News...............................................................39
8. Sad Songs.........................................................................................45
9. The Way NOT to a Girl’s Heart!..................................................49
10. The Pennsylvania Pelter..............................................................58
11. Let Nobinski Read!........................................................................67
12. A Hole-In-None..............................................................................73
13. The Cop Annoyer...........................................................................81
14. Treason!............................................................................................87
15. Pink Cotton Candy........................................................................93
16. Designated Friends......................................................................98
17. Hood By Proxy.............................................................................103
18. The Downtown Hat Trick..........................................................109
19. City Series.......................................................................................117
20. Egging Them On.........................................................................126
21. The Nose vs. The Bug,...............................................................133
22. Ken’s Angel...................................................................................143
23. Untimely Transitions..................................................................150
24. A Weird Surprise.........................................................................155
25. Requiem.........................................................................................165
26. *Bonus story: The Proudest Kid in the Universe...............170
Finis.........................................................................................................181
*Reprinted from Why We Never Had Dates
15.
Pink Cotton Candy
Although Nosey Nobinski, this weird kid that I knew, never had a lot of luck with girls, he never quit trying.
It seemed that he was “in love” with somebody or other practically all the time, and it would often turn his mind into mush. Not that it wasn’t normally mushy, mind you, but it was always worse when it came to girls.
When Nosey was hot on a girl, he would always give it “the old college try,” as he would say – which consisted of dreaming about her all day long, walking ten steps behind her at school hoping that she’d notice him and fall in love with him, and talking incessantly about her to Patrick and me. And that was it. Nothing more.
He’d never give them flowers or candy, or buy them jewelry, or send them a love note, or ask them to go to a movie or dance with him (which he couldn’t do anyway, because he couldn’t dance) – he’d just drool over them and lose his heart and mind and end up getting “dumped” – which was pretty hard to happen, because you can’t really get dumped if you never had them in the first place, which he never did.
But one thing that Nosey was good at was calling girls on the phone. You may ask how he could do that when he never had the nerve to do any of the other normal things that a normal boy would normally do when he likes a girl (and we all know where he fit in on the “normal” scale) – well, it was easy – he’d never tell them who it was when he’d call them.
Great way to score with girls, huh. But that was Nosey. If he just got to talk to a girl, even though she didn’t know it was him, he’d consider it a success, and it always meant, as he would say, that he was “making good progress, son,” and well on the way to marrying her.
So when he’d call a girl on the phone, how did he get around the simple problem of providing a name when the girl would ask who it was? Simple – he’d make up a name.
It was usually a fake name, but sometimes he would say the name of somebody that he knew, and try to fool the girl, hoping that if she ended up liking the boy that she thought she was talking to, he could tell him, and then have him tell her that it really wasn’t him, but that it was this really, really nice and cool kid named Nosey whom she would easily fall in love with once she realized that it was really him.
Good strategy? I didn’t think so either. But again, that was Nosey, and he always did things the “Nosey way” – which usually ended up with “Nosey results,” if you know what I mean.
So, here it was, a warm day in the summer of 1962, and Nosey had fallen head over heels for a girl named Marsha. He had “met” her at Waldameer, where he saw her eating cotton candy – pink, his favorite kind – with her girlfriends near the bumper cars. She looked so cute standing there pulling little gobs off the stick and eating it, and even cuter when she got some in her hair. He was in love with her, and she was in love with him, although she didn’t know it – or him.
From a distance, he watched her for quite some time, and then when one of her girlfriends headed to the ladies’ room he stopped her and asked her what Marsha’s name was. Which, of course, was Marsha. And then he asked her what school Marsha went to and where she lived, and surprisingly, the girl told him, which probably meant that she didn’t like her very much. But Nosey didn’t care, as he got what he wanted, and he was going to call her the first chance that he got.
When he got home he looked up her name in the phone book, and found it, and immediately called me to tell me about her.
“Son, I have this new girlfriend named Marsha, and she is so cute!” he said, so excited that he could barely talk.
“Wonderful!” I said. “Where did you meet her? And are you going out with her?”
“Well, son, not yet,” he said. “I met her at Waldameer, and she likes pink cotton candy, and she adores me.”
“Great!” I said. “It must be so nice to have somebody who really likes you.”
“Well, son, you see, it’s not exactly like that, but it will be soon,” he said, cheerfully. “I haven’t really met her yet, but I saw her, and she’s really cute, and she looks to be the type of girl who would really like me if she got to know me, and fall in love with me, which I plan on happening soon, and I’m going to call her tomorrow to tell her, and I want you to be there with me for the joyous occasion. So will you come?”
“What?!” I said, incredulous. “You haven’t even met her yet? Or even talked to her? Yet you think she’s going to fall in love with you?”
“That’s about the size of it, son,” he proudly said. “Now, how about if you meet me at my house tomorrow at one o’clock, Mom will be working and Tommy (his little weasel brother) will be at Aunt Betty’s, so we’ll be all alone, and then I’ll call her, okay?”
Surprising even myself, I agreed, probably because I found all of this amusing, and hoped to be amused watching things unfold. So, the next day I jumped on my bike and pedaled to his house at 1 p.m., where he sat anxiously awaiting his big pre-love call.
All he knew about Marsha was that she was cute, liked pink cotton candy and went to Strong Vincent, but that was all he needed to get going on a conversation, he said. Eagerly, he took a deep breath and dialed her number, while I sat close by so that I could listen in on the conversation.
After two rings a young girl’s voice came on the phone and said, “Hello?”
Nosey looked at me and gave a thumbs-up sign, and I returned it, and then he said, “Hello, is this Marsha?”
“Yes, who’s this?” she said.
“This is the cotton candy man,” Nosey said with a grin, while I rolled my eyes.
“Who?” she said.
“The really cute guy who saw you eat cotton candy at Waldameer yesterday,” he said, winking at me.
“What? How did you know that I had cotton candy?” she said, sounding puzzled.
“It was pink, and that’s my favorite kind, and I noticed you eating some,” Nosey said. “I really wanted some, but you were busy eating it with your girlfriends, and didn’t offer me any.”
I shook my head as if to say, “No, no, that’s not going to get you anywhere,” but he ignored me.
“You were watching me?” she said, with concern in her voice.
“Yes, and you were so cute eating pink cotton candy,” he said, in a phony manly voice. “I like girls who like pink cotton candy, and I was hoping to eat some with you someday.”
“Okay, mister cotton candy man, how about if you tell me your name?” Marsha said, sounding irked.
“Well, you go to Strong Vincent, and I go to Academy, and my name is Chuck Pora,” Nosey said, with a (bleep)-eating grin.
Jumping up, I reached to strangle him, but he fought me off.
“Son, son,” he said, pushing away my fists.
“What?” Marsha said. “Who’s ‘son’?”
“Ahh – you, I was talking to you, son,” he said.
“Me? You’re calling me ‘son’?!” she snapped.
“Ahh – no, not you, there’s this kid here who is bugging me, and I was calling him ‘son.’ You’re Marsha.”
“Okay, Chuck, I’m getting pretty fed up with this, what is it that you want?” she said, while I stood there ready to kill him.
“Ahh – please don’t get fed up, I’m really a nice guy, and I’m really happy to be talking to you because I saw you at Waldameer yesterday and I saw you eating cotton candy – it was pink – and I thought that you were really cute, and thought that I’d really like to talk to you, and get to know you, and maybe eat cotton candy – pink – with you at Waldameer someday, and someday soon, because I’d really like to get to know you, if that’s okay with you,” he said, while I cracked up.
Silence.
“Hello, hello?” Nosey said, thinking that she had hung up.
“I’m still here, Chuck,” she said, sarcastically. “And I’m wondering if I should call the police or meet you at Waldameer for some pink cotton candy. So what should I do?”
Feeling hopeful, Nosey said, “Don’t call the police, I’m not dangerous! How about if I meet you at Waldameer tomorrow, or the next day if you can’t make it, or the day after that if it’s more convenient, or the day after that if necessary, and buy you some cotton candy – I’ll be sure to get pink – and we can eat it together?”
She thought for a moment, and then said, “Well, Friday would be good. But only if we can eat it with my friends, and you buy them all some. Oh, and I want to see some identification, Chuck, so be sure you bring some.”
Gulp!
“Well, I’m not old enough to drive, and I lost my library card, so I don’t have any identification, unless I can sign my name,” Nosey said, his face turning red, while I cringed.
“Nope, not good enough,” she said. “I want real identification.”
“Even if I buy you some pink cotton candy? And your friends too?” Nosey said, grasping for straws.
"Only if you have proper identification. How about your report card?” she said.
Double-gulp!
“Ahh – I don’t want to show you my report card, I got all A’s, and if you didn't get all A's, I wouldn’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends,” he said, proud of himself for coming up with that.
“Look here, Chuck – mister cotton candy man – mister pink cotton candy man – this has gone on long enough,” she said, running out of patience. “I’ve got to get going, I’ve got a date with my boyfriend tonight, and he’s big – real big – and he hates cotton candy, particularly pink, which is for girls only, and I’m going to tell him about you and he’s going to come looking for you.”
With that, I grabbed the phone from him and slammed it down.
“You idiot!” I shouted. “Why did you give her my name? You’re going to get me killed!”
“Son, relax, there’s no boyfriend,” Nosey said, smirking. “She was just playing hard to get. Which I think means that she loves me.”
“Well, Mr. Casanova, I wouldn’t count on it if I were you,” I warned.
“Well, you’re not me, and I’m going to call her back tomorrow and tell her that I’m not you, and tell her my real name, and see how much she loves me,” he said. “And then we’ll get married, and have lots of kids, and take them to Waldameer for pink cotton candy, and live happily ever after.”
So, he called her back the next day – and told her his real name – and found out how much she loved him.
And you can guess how much that was!
